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MissPam
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Name: Pam
Country: United States
State: Minnesota
Birthday: 2/1/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: Vocal performance, web graphics, Philosophical discussion, heated debate.
Expertise: Talking back, Talking UP, STEPPIN UP. Standing my ground, Walking tall & proud, Holding MY own, EARNING my throne. OH, and self-reflection
Occupation: Marketing
Industry: Television/Arts/Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/3/2003
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| So, my daughter is pretty fluent in Hmong, I mean, she doesn't even speak english as well as she speaks hmong. BUT, she has her trouble words. and It's friggen hilarious. The word that she struggles the MOST with...is fart. She keeps pronouncing it wrong. Can you guess what she's saying instead? And really, my daughter doesn't know any Hmong cuss words, so she doesn't even have a clue how bad it is. One night we were at my mom's, and we were complaining because the rice smelled like fart. I kept saying it..but SHE was horrible! She was like, "cov mov nuav tsw tsw paum es, zoo le kuv noj paum xwb es". (This rice smells like pussy, I feel like I'm eating pussy). LOL. I am making the grossest face at her... and she has no clue what she just said. LOL. I kept trying to teach her the difference, but she couldn't get it right! haha. She kept saying, what's paum? I told her it meant pussy, you know, like paum piv. OH! She's rolling off the floor laughing. Today she does it again...she tells me that this kid called her Paj Hnub Laug. And she told me she told him "nwg yog ib lub paum". I frowned at her..."Panu, that's not appropriate...why did you call him that"? She's like.."what, I just told him he was fart". LOL. I said, no baby, you told him he was a pussy. OOOhHHH......
So in the car, we're working on tongue twisters so that she can get it right....I had her say "fart, pussy, know, change" all really fast five times so she could get the difference. "Paus, paum, paub, pauv". And then she goes, "that sounds like blues clues", and we just BOTH start rolling and laughing. And then she goes, "oohhh so it's spelled P-U-A.", I said, "no baby it's spelled P-A-U-S" She goes..."ohh...." and proceeds to say, "paus-sssssssssss". I look at her funny and we just start rolling and laughing again...anyway...that entire conversation made my night...that and the fact that I had a great time in martial arts because I remember all my forms for testing to my belt level later this month, and a great day because I had a beautiful morning in which I enjoyed the sunshine and fixed several minor things with the car, then took it to the shop for the BIG thing, and then it was all cheaper than expected, because I have a great and honest mechanic, who originally told me 300 for my axle, but my axle was fine and I only needed to chance the wheel baring or something or other? so he just did that, and changed my much needed brakes and my oil, and it was a 100 less than his original quote for everything. So now I can afford new tires too! And then..all my appointments with work went smoothly, with the exception that at one point in the day...my mind went dead and I zoned out, it was a twilight zone moment that I don't know how to explain...I was sitting right in the lobby, but no one could see me..and I couldn't hear them when they were calling my name looking for me. I recall the staff loooking for someone..but I didnt think it was me...because I was sitting right there...in the lobby the whole time...anywho...that's all...=) | | |
| I sneezed twice twice yesterday.
And again today....
I feel good about it. 
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| So, in this workshop I'm taking, we do a lot of interesting exercises. One of which was to read eachother's eyes. Eyes are the windows to the soul right? AND...each eye told a different story. We had to focus on a point and let people just stare and figure us out. My eyes were the last to be read....And it's funny because what overwhelmingly stood out like a friggen sore thumb, was my strength. All that people could see what how much determination I had. They'd search for other things...then keep going back to.."God look at all that determination". They managed to catch a glimpse of kindness and wisdom in my other eye..but boy...they couldn't ignore that determination. LOL. So later on..we had to do this again with a partner and figure out what they needed, and figure out how to give it to them. The instructor looks at me and goes..."Well, don't give HER any strength, lord knows she doesn't need any, hell, she could give me some of that strength". LOL. So as we continue on with our partner exercises over the next few weeks...one of the goals is to try to reach eachother's emotions. My partner struggled so much with getting me to get in touch with mine...I have so much trouble accessing my emotions. She tried so hard to figure me out. It was frustrating, because I had no problem with her, it just came so naturally to her. And as hard as I tried to open up...I couldn't. she concluded that I have walls up. Yeah, I do I admitted. She concluded that I had trouble making friends. No, not at all. I told her my walls aren't up because of fear. I'm not afraid of people, or of pain, or of getting hurt. I'm not afraid to let people in and I make friends very easily. I realized in that moment right there, that my walls aren't external. They're internal. My walls are against ME. I blocked myself from having access to my own emotions....I haven't blocked people out at all. It's because I have so much on my shoulders that I HAVE to be immune to the emotions involved...I have to be kind of like a robot like this to just keep working through all the shit I have to work through, be who I am. I shared so much of myself with her, so many personal stories...and let her at it, try to dig it out of me...yet..no emotional reaction. And all I could say was...no matter what the story I told her...I'd already accepted it...and therefore, had no reaction to it..it is what it is. she asked my what I was angry about..what I was sad about...and I couldn't think of a single thing! I couldn't even think off the top of my head that there was anyone I was angry at, or anything I was angry at, or anything that made me sad. I'd have to say..I cope pretty well considering all the crap I've been through. I told her I don't care get angry, because it's a feeling of losing control..and I don't like to not be in control, so I never allow myself to be angry, not for long anyway. I couldnt' think of anything that made me sad. I could recall stories from my past that made me sad...but not anything that I was currently sad about...Like I said, I've accepted most of what's happened to me and moved on. I'm not sad about all the times I've allowed people to walk all over me, because it's NOT that I'm not fully capable of standing up for myself...cause lord knows, anyone who knows me knows I can...but it's that it takes MORE strength to ALLOW people to hurt you and to deal with it, than it does to protect yourself and NOT allow them to hurt you at all. I choose my battles wisely now, and I'm proud of that. Finally, I was left to figure out for myself what hurt me...there had to be something. And finally....after digging long enough..I found it. What hurts right now...and has hurt for a long time and consistently, and constantly hurts...even to just think about it...or say it outloud... is the fact that I've given up everything I've ever wanted for myself....for the community. And I cried at the thought of it. Yeah, it's a choice that I consciously made...but at the same time..I felt like...I never really had a choice. How could I turn my back and pursue all my own hopes and dreams when there were all these people over here, calling out for my help. And once the community realized how good I was at what I did...they never let me get away again. I felt a sort of civic duty to my people. And I don't think ANYONE will EVER know, or understand how much it rips me apart, kills me inside, burns up my soul, to give up the ONE thing I am so incredibly passionate about. Next to my family, music is the ULTIMATE sacrifice. and now I realize...it really HAS killed me inside. I mean...I can't FEEL my emotions anymore. I had to dig that deep to find it. It's crazy that my emotions, I've hidden and locked them so far away....that I don't even know off the top of my head what the hell bothers me...I have to DIG to find it. that's what I had to DO to protect MYSELF from the pain that I've caused MYSELF. And this sacrifice that I've made....I will never be able to come to terms with...I will never be able to accept...and it will hurt me forever. | | |
| And just like that so randomly, suddenly, unexpectedly....you find your way back into my life again. I want to be excited...but I never know how long it will last..when you'll just suddenly disappear again. Never know what to expect...you've always been uncontained, and I've always allowed you to be..
How to feel?
Just do what you've always done....go with it, flow with it...do what you can, love it for whatever it becomes, live in the moment, cherish the memories.
ps...
should that hypothetic day you'd always talked about (dreamed about, waited for) comes...
put your pride away and don't make the same mistakes again!
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| Sneezed twice. 8:51am giddy | | |
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